Sadame
by Koyuki
Summary: Humans blame the word destiny when what happens is out of their control. But does this transcend to the afterlife? ...so maybe destiny can't always be the one to blame. Tsusoka, unrequited
1. sadame

A/N: Kyuu is depressed and she needs to write a depressing story. So she'll torture Tsuzuki and Hisoka.

This'll either be a one-shot or the first of a set of three. I've damaged them, but not (quite) beyond repair. I just feel bad about it...

Hisoka's POV.

Parings: Tsuzuki x Hisoka (unrequited)

Warnings: tons of angst, shounen ai and leaning towards yaoi, a little limey, unrequited love... and more angst

Disclaimer: Yami is not mine.

* * *

Humans, when faced with the inevitable, blame this one word called "destiny."

If it is something they cannot control, no matter how they feel about it, it is all the fault of that single word--love, fame, money, power.

But does that word really have any effect? Or is it just a scapegoat for all of their anger, all of their problems--their hope--with no one to blame it on?

What effect does this "destiny" have on another obscured idea--"love"?

Is there such thing as "love at first sight", where two people who are bound together by destiny are each other's "special one"? Or is it a moment of temporary infatuation brought upon by chance? And when those two find that maybe, perhaps that destiny has wronged them, will they go on blaming it?

Does this unknown force of what is definite affect the afterlife? Does it still haunt and plague those who have already escaped its path once?

Perhaps this "destiny" is actually those who themselves choose what is to happen.

Every smile they smile. Every word they speak. Every breath they take.

...so maybe "destiny" can't always be to blame.

Sadame (destiny)

It makes me laugh that how we are now, to each other. How much bitterness and resentment we harbor.

A lot of it, perhaps, was on my part.

Though I won't say that he was innocent of it all, though either.

Somehow, we ended up at this point.

* * *

After the Kyoto incident, for a month, Tsuzuki was assigned to do simple tasks around the office. Like being Watari's guinea pig, for example.

And for that month, I was reassigned to a different partner. I don't remember his name nor anything about him--after all, the only partner I ever wanted was Tsuzuki.

I didn't see much of Tsuzuki during that month. It wasn't that we were avoiding each other; it was just out of a lack of convenience.

A few times, I'd pass him in the halls, carrying paperwork and such. We'd greet each other and chat a little, like fellow co-workers.

But nothing else.

Maybe that was how it started. And now, I wish that maybe I would've gone out of my way to see him.

After that one month, Tsuzuki and I were reassigned as partners again.

But we lost that comfortable presence around each other.

The first day, Tsuzuki came in the morning--late as always--and he routinely started blabbing about whatever was on his mind. Food, paperwork, food, Tatsumi cutting his salary again, food, Tatsumi being mean to him, and most of all, food.

I sat there, half doing paperwork and half listening to my partner's random babbling.

And then the words just stopped.

After a few awkward seconds of silent, I looked up expectantly, waiting for the idiot to continue.

...But that same look was returned to me by Tsuzuki's violet orbs.

Words caught in my throat. What was I supposed to say? What did he _want_ me to say?

The awkward silence dragged on as Tsuzuki stared at me, as if waiting for me to chastise him and order him to do his paperwork. Or scold him about coming in late. Or tell him to shut up. Or anything.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

Dammit. He knew I wasn't good at conversing.

Sighing, I squashed the urge to call him "baka", and returned to my paperwork.

--but I should have said something! This was all of my fault. Maybe if I had something--anything--we wouldn't be like this now.

But I didn't.

There was more silence. Tsuzuki didn't say another word to me until lunch.

* * *

During lunch, Tsuzuki had tried to make "conversation" with me again. I'd just shrugged it off like he always had, but now I regret it.

Halfway through, my partner was, for the first time since I've known him, at a lack for words.

I remained silent.

What could I say?

Without another sound, we finished our lunches, and then returned to our office to fill out more paperwork.

There were no more words spoken that day between us. And for the first time since perhaps he'd started his job, Tsuzuki finished all of his paperwork.

* * *

It had been exactly one month after we were reassigned when Tsuzuki asked me out to dinner.

I won't say I hadn't been particularly surprised that he did so, but it wasn't anything very much out of the ordinary.

...just that our relationship had been struggling.

Everyday, awkward silences were becoming longer and longer. The string of words stopped.

We weren't partners anymore. Just two strangers working side-by-side in the same office.

Maybe dinner was Tsuzuki's attempt at trying to fix it.

Dinner seemed to be as natural event as possible for us, if somewhat strained. There were a lot of things spoken, yet absolutely nothing at all.

Tsuzuki would talk, and I would listen to his nonsense ramblings. Then he'd tease me, and I would blush and insult him.

But we both carefully avoided those taboos between us... what had happened in Kyoto... Muraki... and who Tsuzuki truly was behind his mask.

After dinner, when we stepped outside, we truly realized how long we'd taken and how late it was. Also that it was raining. Apparently, the idiotic ramblings had taken up more time than both of us had thought.

Though I hadn't planned for it to last that long, I had a small satisfaction about it. The kinks in our relationship had seemed to faded away.

Tsuzuki invited me to spend the night over at his house; after all, it was much closer than mine and neither of us had an umbrella.

And we did still have work in the morning.

It wasn't very awkward as we had often shared the same room during an assignment.

Tsuzuki agreed to lend me pajamas and we could stop by my house in the morning.

And though he had only had one bed it was large enough. Knowing that neither would let the other sleep on the floor, we silently agreed to share it.

That was nothing new either. We'd done it plenty of times when Tatsumi felt less than generous about their mission's budget.

Climbing into bed next to Tsuzuki, I kept a safe distance from him, but not too far away. I also slammed my shields up as far as possible, hoping against hope that they'd stay up through the night, to avoid any unnecessary problems.

Soon, we fell into a regular pattern of breathing in sync with each other and slowly drifted to sleep.

* * *

I awoke violently, startled by the vivid images of his dreams. Tears streaming down my face, I found myself wrapped around him.

Somehow in the night, I had entangled myself within the embrace of Tsuzuki, now tossing and turning with a nightmare.

Flashing scenes still going throughout my head, I tried shaking him awake, half hysterical myself.

Tsuzuki jerked away from me, distancing himself to slowly normal his breathing to calm himself.

The horrid images from his dream still ran through my mind, blurring my field of vision and aching my head painfully. Still, I pressed on, closing in the distance between us in a somewhat awkward attempt to comfort him.

There wasn't much I could do, but I lent him my shoulder to cry on, wrapped my arms around him, and let him do the same. My shields were still shaky, but I didn't care, allowing myself to experience all of his pain with him.

When his tears subsided, to my surprise, he kissed me.

It was a gentle and hesitant kiss, unsure, as if I were going to push him away.

Panic overtook me for a moment, in remembrance to my first sexual experience, which was not pleasant.

Forcing myself to relax in realizing that it was something I wanted, I shyly returned the kiss.

In realization that I wouldn't push him away, Tsuzuki deepened the kiss.

Before even I even noticed, my shields had slipped away and Tsuzuki was unbuttoning the top to my pajamas.

I closed my eyes, enjoying the rush. Maybe sex wasn't such a bad thing after all.

Then, the movement stopped. And I felt strange emotions.

Opening my eyes, I found Tsuzuki staring down at my chest.

At those marks.

Quickly, I scrambled away, hiding myself and my curse from his stare.

My back to him and buttoning up the shirt, I couldn't help but feel a prang in my chest at Tsuzuki's reaction. Maybe they weren't directed at me, but somehow, it didn't seem to matter.

I knew what he felt, with his eyes still staring at my back. It was fear. It was hatred. It was anger.

It was disgust.

For a few quiet moments, I sat at the edge of the bed, unsure of what to do. Then, slowly, I rose from the bed, went into the living room, and grabbed my coat. 

Silently, Tsuzuki followed me.

As I put on my coat, he whispered, barely audible and slightly hoarse, "I'm sorry."

I did not bother to respond, but I couldn't help but think bitterly.

_No you're not. You might be sorry for letting me know, but you're not sorry for fearing me. For being disgusted._

A thousand more angry thoughts passed through my mind as I slipped on my shoes and headed for the door.

As I turned the doorknob, Tsuzuki tried again, a little louder this time. "I love you."

Aggravated, I couldn't hold back my response this time.

_No! You don't! How could you love me if you're disgusted by me?_

Not bothering to turn around and face him, I took in a breath to calm myself. My voice was steady and calm as I spoke, but I could not keep the bitter tone out of it.

"No, you don't love me," I replied, my voice hoarse like his. "How can you, when you don't know me at all?"

I didn't wait for a reaction. He'd said enough already. I opened the door and stepped out into the rain. The door closed behind me with a click.

* * *

The next morning, Tsuzuki came in late as always, smelling of alcohol.

Not bothering to comment on him being drunk, I reprimanded him for being late, though with a little more cynicism than usual.

Tsuzuki, usually ignoring my scolding, responded nastily that it wasn't my business when he came in.

Angrily, I attested that it was my business because it had to do with my work also.

Tsuzuki then yelled that it didn't matter how he did his job because we were paid differently.

That day, we had our first fight.

The next day, we fought about his paperwork. And after that, about spending money on assignments. And then about who did what work on the missions. And then after that...

A month later, I resigned as Tsuzuki's partner.

tsuzuku (?)

* * *

A/N: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::cries:: That was cruel of me. I really want to continue this because I feel bad about doing this to them.

Feedback is loved.


	2. oni

A/N: I just wanted to say, that I'm not continuing Sadame. Even if it kills me. I was stuck, but then a few people ::cough:: made me mad by threatening me, so no continuation.

However, this is a side-story. What happens to Hisoka after he goes home that night. 'Tis very sad.

Hisoka's POV.

Pairing: unrequited Tsuzuki x Hisoka (erm...sorta...)

Warnings: Angsty!Hisoka, angst... angst... and...um... I guess Tsuzuki being mean to 'Soka-chan. X.x

Disclaimer: Heheh. I wish?

* * *

Society tells us in words that unique is acceptable. It makes one stand out.

Society tells us in actions that being different makes you a freak.

But how different can one be before it's unnatural?

They say, "You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Inside though, they're crying to be the same. To be accepted.

To not be a monster.

Oni (demon)

The rain poured down hard as I walked through the empty streets. The dim streetlights created blotches of color in the down setting fog.

I was soaked to the bones and the heavy coat I was wearing dragged me down. I shivered slightly, but at the same moment I welcomed the numbness as it set in. All the pain seemed to be a little less and bearable at that moment.

My face was wet, but I was unsure if it was because of the rain or the tears I could not longer feel running down my face. Somehow, it no longer seemed to matter.

All the thoughts I tried to block out for so long ran through my mind at once.

_"You're a demon child!! Why did I have to give birth to a thing like you?!?!_

Laughing meekly bordering on hysteria, I continued to trudge my way through the murky streets. If I were to stop walking, I would break down right at that moment and not be able to stop.

_So this is what love does to a person,_ I thought to myself. Laughing again, I felt a throbbing pain in my chest and started shaking. I couldn't stop. _But only people who deserve to be loved are loved. Who would love a monster?_

Trudging up the steps of my building, I stopped in front of my door. And started shaking. I couldn't stop and stared at my door.

The epitome of me was behind that door; or at least all of me I could collect. I didn't want to face that right now.

But I couldn't stand out here all night. I had work tomorrow.

Hesitantly and still shaking, I took out my keys, unlocked my door, and stepped inside.

Convincing myself I was only shaking because of walking in the rain, I headed for the shower to drench the cold out of me.

Taking off my clothes, I consciously tried not to look at my body.

Turning the water on, I drowned myself under it and tried for a moment to not think at all. To let it all go.

Opening my eyes, I accidentally saw my hands. And my arms. And those marks.

In a moment of blind insanity, I grabbed a bar of soap and started scrubbing my skin. And scrubbing. And scrubbing until my skin became a bright red.

But those disgusting marks wouldn't come off no matter how hard I scrubbed.

My skin burned painfully, but I didn't want to stop. I couldn't. Because, somehow, if I washed these marks off of me, maybe everything would be okay between Tsuzuki and me. Maybe he wouldn't be disgusted. And maybe, somehow, we could be together.

Collapsing in the bathtub, I closed my eyes momentarily and accepted defeat. I was a demon. A monster. Monsters couldn't wash their veneers away. And even if they did, they'd still be monsters.

Collecting myself, I got out of the bathtub and put on my pajamas. I didn't want to see those marks anymore. And though I had to sometime, if I could hide myself from them for even a while, it would be alright.

I climbed into bed, tired. And shut my eyes. I had to get up in an hour or two to go to work, but I needed to sleep right now. I couldn't handle reality.

But sleep did not come easy. Those thoughts I tried so hard to block out rang in my mind.

_Monster. Demon child. Freak..._

I rolled onto my side, and I could feel my face wet. My tears rolling off my cheeks.

For the first time in a long time, I let myself cry.

owari

* * *

A/N: ::weep:: I really needed to write this. My life has been so stressful, and somehow, I managed to connect to this fic

review, please?


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